So basicly,

It’s a pretty goddamn hectic and hard summer. Officially met with the whole team now. I’ve met M my nurse, L my dietician, Dr.P my mental health phsychiatric, A my eating disorder phsychiatric, Dr.C my emerg doctor and my family doctor Dr.B plays  a huge part in it. Treatement is real hard.. I have to go in every week to see M so that she can weigh me and check my vitals, i have to goonce a month to see Dr.B so that she can give me more meds and weigh em and check my vitals and check up on me, basicly, i’ve got an appointement with someone like 3 times a week. Right now though, i’m just hoping to stay out of hostpital and that Dr.C will asses me healthy enough to go to Ottawa. L’s calling her today, then she’ll call me with an appointement before i leave for T.O and we’ll find out about hostpitalization and mor eon my health. She’s worried about my chestpains, heart palpataions and dizzyness.. I didin’t know they hostpitalized only for dizzyness, it makes sense though, like you could fall and hit your head real hard you know? Well, like i said before..I do not like hospitals. Nope. Anyway, today i had my family assesment with A.. While i was in the waiting room, waiting to go in, i was convinced that i was going to let this go, cancel all my apointements and just do what i do best..hide.. Well, once you meet this guy, wow.. He gave me that extra courage i needed to keep going. He’s the type of guy who should be going around in schools doing presentations aout eating disorders. He knows his stuff, he knows how to be a phsychiatrice. What really impressed me though, was how he was able to make my parents actually have some basic understanding about addiction and E.Ds. And i quote

”It’s like CAS coming to you and telling you that you’ve raised your kids for long enough so they’re going to take them now, no matter what, you’ve worked hard and now you can have  a break. Same thing applies to somebody who has an ED. We’re going in there, telling them that they’ve gotta get rid of they’re way of coping, what makes them feel safe. And what they’re thinking right away is like hell you are. It takes time, work, support.”

…i wish i could explain it like that? well now i can.. He said alot of other amazing things, but i mean, i’m not going to type out our whole session lol. But he made me feel very, accepted, loved, needed. He assured me that trying is succes. They don’t want perfection and trying is the main goal. If i slip, they know it doesn’t mean i’m giving up, it means that the ED is very powerfull and they understand that… Today’s session was good.

Mooving on, my father isin’t speaking to any of us now. By that i mean me and my brother. The really horrible part is that my step mom has 7kids of her own, and she lost them all cause she’s a crack addict. Well now, my dad is putting them down under his benifits/insurance and everything to get them home at his house so she can have her kids back.. Thing is, why the fuck i she doign that to 7 strangers, and he’ sjust completely ignoring his REAL kids!? The ones that ACTUALLY LOVE HIM! Well really, we KNOW him. He’s never even met her kids..

pathetic..

That stuff hurts..

Taking it easy today though, i’ve got no energy and i’ve got a headache starting up. Going to go for a jog, then maybe get some YOGA going, not too sure.

Take care everyone!

Be strong, i’m sending you’se all support(L)

blah blah blah. i don’t care.

I feel utterly repulsive. I’m dreading have to go face that mirror and get ready..I’ve been puting it off for an hour now..

I went to T’s yesterday. I was supposed to spend the night at his place..Well, proud to say, nothing happend. But i think that’s why he drove me home instead of letting me spend the night.. Idk, we were having a great time..Fuck, i was so high..omg… Havn’t done that in a while. And i shouldn’t have, cause it really fucks with my head the day after, it makes me real down and stuff. But it’s worst today cause well i didin’t take my meds yesterday, i woke up to fucken hell everybody was screaming and ugh it was just so bad, and i’ve gotta go see teh biggest stuck up prick on this earth at 230.. NOT looking forward to seeing this guy again..

Anyway.

I don’t really feellike writting in here right now, gonna go get ready i guess.

love

A

One day after the other.

I’m absoloutely terrified of the scale lately. I KNOW i have been doing horrible.. Not even normal, i’ve been going over everything.. I’ve been eating, and eating and eating.. It’s disgusting. I repulse myself utterly. I’ve been canceling my plans just cause i’m so embarassed.. I WANT to weigh myself, but i KNOW it’ll be so horrible.. I’m terrified of it. Even if i still purge the poison, it’s not enough. I hate this part of me. I wish i would have never gave in.. It only gets harder..

Now, family has two completely different sides at the moment. One of wich is amazing and i never thought possible, and the other well, doesn’t surprise me at all and kills me just a little bit more each passing day.

I had asked my mum to go for coffee a few days ago, because i had just got off the phone with my dad and was having a breakdown..Well she couldn’t and that didin’t help so i basicly went on lockdown all day. I was having anxiety attacks and the whole package. Anyway, around 11pm after i’ve calmed down a little, i went and asked her again and we went. We sat in Tim Horton’s parking lot for 2hrs talking about absoloutely everything.. About my ED, my depression, suicide, dad, family, drugs, sex..Absoloutely everything.. I franctically confessed my whole life to her. This was an unusual feeling.. I felt need, i needed to have her care, to hold me..And so, she did..For the first time, in a -very- long time.. We havn’t held each other like that since i was a baby an dcould still fit in her arms.. I missed her.. And she missed me to.. By the end of it, we pinkty sweared to be best friends forever, no matter how much we might hate each other one day.. This, is amazing.. If only you knew what went on in the past between us, this just..You have no idea how this makes me feel.. I don’t even understand the feeling, i’ve never felt it before..Safe? Protected? ..I don’t know.. But, i have my mother back, and that’s all that matters…

On the other hand, stupid mind games never ever cease in my family. Who knows, this thing with my mum might be one to, it seems to good to be true, but i don’t care, i’ve gotta enjoy this, this never happend before. But, that’s not my point. My dad is being a real ignorant fart (hehe).. He actually confessed to me that he’d rather screw if girlfriend instead of seeing his kids.. You know he didin’t even call my brother on his birthday? They havn’t talke dfor about 2months now. I went a year withought talking to him..But, ofcourse, he’s always right, and didin’t listen to a thing i said, so all this is going to start again.. I’m not chasing him this time. If he wants to dumb himself down for a crack addict who doesn’t even have custody of her 7 kids but doesn’t mind baching my mum on how she raised us, then, good for them. May they have a very nice life. I’m not chasing them.. I’m not staying up till 5am on the phone with my stepmum anymore to make sure she doesn’t kill herself. I mean comeon, i’m 16, i’m suicidal, depressive and struggle with an ED..If i can deal with all that practicall yon my own, surely a 40yr old woman can deal with her need of attention resulting in creating false problems for herself and affirming to herself her need to be pitied.. I swear, i tried to like this woman. I welcomed her into my life. But, you know when you first meet someone, and automaticly theres this thing that makes you shiver and makes an automatic alarm go off in your head? Well, that’s why i don’t trust her. I’m nver ever wrong about people. And i’m not letting her make me risk my own life for hers.

I’m fed up with mind games.

it’s not worth my life,.

My auntie’s coming down in 6 days!! Then i’m going up to Ottawa for a few weeks, i’m majour exited to get away from everything and just be with her and K, and ofcourse her kitties..I’m not a big fan of cats, but, i love hers (: .

Can you beleive this, 45days until school starts, and already i’m mega exited..Well, can you blame me? 12th grade baby, i’m graduating!!!! YES ..Kinda sad though..Theres some teachers there i just don’t want to have to say bye to.. Well, we’ll deal with it when it happends. No need to cry about it now, hasn’t een started yet lol.

Anyhow, i’m dying for a cigarette, yea, i was supposed to quit, i tried. i swear… Even i’ve given up on the fact of me quitting, i beleive it never is going to happen..

G’night everyone. Going strawberry picking with Memere and J tomorrow (:  YUM!

I really don’t wanna play the game this time.

Here we go again.. Somehow, i know this will end horribly..Oh wait, it has before, orcourse it will again.

I’m talking about, my father. It’s only been a few months since our year long horrity. We didin’t talk for a year, and i thought we weer doing good now.. Well, he’s been back in town for a week and a half, and i’ve been trying to contact him, leaving him messages, writting him emails..And ofcouse, no reply. Not to mention, the very insulting incident that happend with the Manitoulin issue..Well, FINALY got a hold of him today. I asked him if he wanted to go piknik at Bell Park(lame, i know, but what can i say, i’m lame sometimes)Well, he right off the bat say no…I asked him why and he just said well i’m at camp till next week..He asked me if i wanted to come down and i said well i’m not changing my plans if you’re not willing to change yours..I have plans this weekend, but i kept Saturday open for you.. Anyway, he said a bunch of excuses and i ended up just saying kay i don’t care and changed the subject. I asked him if he could give me some money for my Ottawa trips in a few days, he flat out said no and told me to go ask my mom (he said this with immense hate in his voice..) Mom can’t pay for this trip, cause she’s paying for our family T.O trip before my Ottawa trip, so, her money for me will be getting dished out there.. I didin’t ask him for much, i mean, 200 dollars is nothing when you’ve got an income like his.. Anyway, i let it go, and asked him if i’ll get to see him before he leaves town again, he flat out said he doesn’t know cause he’ll be at camp with T. So, automaticly, that dreadid feeling of neglect came back in, and i told him i didin’t like it that he’s been ignoring me ever since he’s been back, and he simply said that he has better things to do…

So, basicly, i’ve gotta choose between going to visit my aunt, or going to a family trip..I’ve been planning this Ottawa trip ever since last summer me and my auntie have been talking about it.. The whole point of it is to get away from hmoe and all the fucken chaos.. My auntie is my everything and i miss her. Then again, my family WILL be insulted if i don’t go with them, and i’ll -never- hear the end of it. Sometimes i wish they could just understand. Just like that.

It’s been a rough week. Next week won’t be any better. I’ve got an appointment with my phsychiatric from the Children’s Mental Health hospital and i can’t tell you how much of an ignorant ass he is and how much i’m -not- looking forward to meeting with him again.. I liked it better when he didin’t contact me at all, even though, he should have. I’m looking forward to tomorrow though, T’s picking me up and i’m spending the night at his place, it’ll be fun he lives right on the lake so a midnight drunken swim is deafinetly amazing. He’s a sweet guy, we used to date, a few times actually, and i know he’s still got some feelings for me. I know i’ve got some for him also, but, honestly, is this such a good time to get involved? No it isint.. But, i’ve missed out on alot of good relationships because of that excuse, theres always something and i don’t know if i’ll let it stop me this time.

Anyhow, gonna go get some sleep soon. Or maybe just watch a movie, i’m not sure. Keep busy.

Love,

A.

FUCK HOME. is what i say.

Well, had my appointement today. 3 hours in the hostpital. It was pretty basic, she assesed me and did some blood work and heart test and a physical. Problem though.. She told me if something alerting comes from the bloodtests, i’ll have to get hostpitalized..Basicly cause of dizzyness, like, everytime i stand the room spins, so it’s dangerous sorta thing. Not the news i wanted to hear, i absoloutely hate hostpitals..I’ve had so many horrible expeiriences there, getting your stomach pumped is no fun, living in a room alone all day is depressing..i don’t like it..

But that’s only part of the problem today.

I just got home, got off the bus. I had called my mom to come pick me up, but she never god damn showed up, so i had to wait 2hrs for the next bus outta town.. Got home, and she asked me why i had to go there, and i told her for tests and stuff, and she started asking like all sorts of STUPID questions, stuff she would know if she would have supported me in the first place..She asked why i had to get hostpitalized also, and i told her cause of dizzyness..She was like WHY WHY WHY do yo get dizzy? ..By now she was screaming..why she was screaming, i’ll never fucken know.. I didin’t know what to tell her.. I mean FUCK.. i HATE talking about my eating disorder..It’s an embarassing thing.. So i didin’t say anything. She started saying on how i make her feel worthless, and that my dad treats me like crap but i kiss up to him and she’s always there and i treat her like crap.. SO not true.. man, if you’d know the story behind me and my dad, you’d SHOOT her for saying that!!! Then, she started crying and saying that she was gonna kill herself and blah blah.. fuck man, i really can’t take this.. i mean, i WANT to be there for her, but i can’t, i can hardly function half the time… It’s not fair.. i’m so fucken depressed today..

FUCK HOME.

Just another day .

Well, i’m officialy insulted. My dad is acting very odd. He’s been back in town for about a week and a half now, and he’s been ignoring my calls and my emails. Last weekend, i was supposed to go to Manitoulin Island with T&F, and it happend that my dad and T were going to, so they were gonna pick me up and bring me. Well, they never showed up. So when i talked to T on msn yesterday, she told me that T told her they tried to get a reach of me and they couldn’t…LIE.. I didin’t get any email, and my caller ID did NOT have their number on it ONCE!!.. I don’t know why my dad and my step mom are acting this way. To top it all off, it was my brothers birthday a few days ago, and they didin’t even call!! Now, i know they’re not talking and stuff, but i mean, it’s his god damn birthday, and you’re a 40 year old man, do you HAVE to be so immature?!? GOD.

Anyhow, i’ve got an appointement at the hoistpital today around noon, i’m about to leave in a bit, but, this appointement is -really- stressing me right out. Cause i’ve been doing really bad lately, binging and purging and restricting every single day.. I’m not supposed to, not with my contract anyways.

Well, i’m gonna go catch my bus into town, will update later.

Love,

A.

It’s only 12pm. You’ve gotta be kidding me.

So, i’m having an off day. And i’ve got the feeling when you know things will just get real bad.. Woke up randomly at 6am this morning, i couldn’t fall back asleep for the life of me. I was so mad, i had like 2hrs of sleep. Instead of just laying there bitching in my head, i decided to get up, at the same time ignoring the pain in my throat and cramps in my legs, no doubt a result of last nights events. Wasn’t going to get out of bed, but it’s my brothers birthday today so i made the effort. Well, my whole family’s at camp..I’ve been feeling real left out all morning cause i thought they were just leaving me out of the whole birthday thing. But, mom just called, and gave me huge shit because i wasn’t home this weekend..Like kay sorry if i have a life. She told me to clean up the house before she gets home, no, fuck that, i havn’t been home, i didin’t do a mess, i have fuck alls to clean up..I might sweep my room though, but, that’s my mess. Anyway, point is, she just called and started bitching, i mean, don’t fucken talk to me like that..Ugh.

Had a pretty bad night last night..I followed my meal plan up until last night..5 days is REALLY good, i never thought i’d even be able to do that. Basicly what happend, is, i ate supper, then felt super gross and purged it. I havn’t purged sincei started my treatement..i Still feel super guilty and pathetic for letting myself do that..Wich is also how i got this huge gash in the back of my throat, stupid nails. Then, i felt horrible, so i ate, and ate, and ate..Frig.. Then purged again..and again.. Today, i havn’t eaten at all.. I’m really not hungry. I’m disgusted by myself. By the way i acted and how much i weigh. I’m very down today. But, my smiles there, it’s my brother’s birthday and i owe him atleast that.

Gonna let you’se go. Gonna go relax in my room before the family gets here and i get my head cut off for not getting off my ass…Frig, it’s the mess they left before they went to camp.

love,

A

Pretty easy going day.

Well, taking the oppourtunity to write in my blog today, since i’ve got a real busy week and i’m not sure how often i’ll be able to write. Today i took the day to relax, do my laundry, clean my room and such. Sunday’s are always pretty chill, theres no buses that go into town, so it’s pretty much  movies for me all day unless someone drops in. Don’t even bother getting ready lol.Well, this week will be pretty hectic. Monday is my brother’s birthday, so that’ll be long and boring for me, but he’ll be 12 so yay for him. Tuesday i’m going to the beach with B, i hate being in bathing suits but i don’t let that come across at all to other people..People always seem to think i’m the most confident person ever..Yeah, no. I’m far from it.. Wednesday i’ve got an appointement at the hospital with Dr.Bead(something like that) i’ve never met him, but M told me it was to talk about the blood when i purge…Thursday me and A are getting together and Friday i’m spending the night at T’s house, it’ll be a night of drinking and smoking funny stuff :), it’ll be fun, havn’t had a night like that in a very long time..Can’t remember the last time i was drunk or high, it’ll be a good night. It’ll probably be a bit akward at first, since me and T have a dating history and i know he still has feelings, but, i’m not an akward person so it’ll be fun.

Anyhow, this is a pretty chill post, nothing really important to write about, just basicly cheking into wordpress. I’ll let you guys go, i’ve got laundry to finish.

Love,

A

Find an excuse, any excuse.

I don’t like how i look in jeans. My size 0 jeans just cling onto my thighs and i don’t like it. I stuck to my contract for 4 days. That’s really good..I don’t think i’ll be able to stick to it today, or until i see M again for that matter… I just feel so fat and disgusting.

Going to town with A today. We’re supposed to go to Dragon Boats, but it’s pretty ugly outside right now, so if it starts to rain we’ll find something else to do, preferably indoors? yeah. Had it out with C yesterday..I wasn’t having a good day, and i guess i was being brief with her or something, but, she lost it on me, and i lost it on her…I’m not ready to loose my friends over this, i don’t know what i’ll do withought them.. Anyway, i appologized..I don’tk now, my bestfriends are turning on me, and i don’t like it..They don’t realize i need help with this, and when i tell them i do, i get bitched at like if i’m a peice of garbage..They never used to be like this, i miss how they used to be…A understands though, her dad’s bipolar, so she knows what i go through (sort of).

Anyway, gonna go catch my bus to get to town, will write later on if anything worth writting about happends.

love,

A.

Not a good day

Hasn’t been a good day today…Gonna get to bed soon.

Dont even feel like writting in here really,

‘night.